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This is a collaborative post.
Loving someone who has an addiction is painful. When the condition first presents, the shock can feel stifling. In many families, there’s prior experience of addiction. In others, there’s none.
No matter the environment, developing understanding and awareness of problematic substance use as well as skills in how to address it directs how recovery unfolds.
A Guide to Supporting a Loved One in Recovery
Here we explore the various areas to take into consideration and work on when supporting a loved one who has addiction towards recovery.
1. Seek self-help
When you love a substance abuser, the pain is deep. It’s increasingly apparent that promises are endlessly broken and a severe stress that the person could seriously harm themselves, or even die, is consuming and relentless.
Living with this level of stress is hard for anyone. For many it leads to living in “fight or flight” mode. In the long-run, this can raise cortisol levels (the stress hormone). Long-lasting cortisol levels are linked to the development of illnesses and diseases as it weakens the immune system. Outside of this, it can affect the rest of the family, work performance, etc.
For these reasons, it’s essential to talk to someone helpful (i.e. an understanding friend or counsellor), access support groups (there are addiction groups set up especially for carers of addicts), and develop and maintain self-care activities.
2. Learn about addiction
Education is power. The more you know about addiction, the better it informs your approach to your loved one. Learn how addiction changes the brain and alters body functioning. This is what changes behaviour and priorities of an addicted person. You’ll learn that addiction is a severe condition with neurological, hormonal, psychological, sometimes physical, sometimes trauma-based, and environmental underpinnings. This is essential to understand in understanding how to address it.
Realising how addiction works will help manage your expectations, too, and of how it will continue to impact you and the family.
Find out about the substance your loved one uses. This is relevant in terms of safety and knowing when you might need to call health professionals or emergency services.
3. Accept the addiction
One of the saddest truths about addiction is accepting that for some people, recovery isn’t possible. Accepting this reality, however, can become a power tool. It supports you to accept your loved one as are and not what you want them to be, or their “potential”. Accepting the addiction also helps you to manage your own expectations, hopes, and how you interact with them.
Ironically, in a place of acceptance, a great shift can occur. As you accept your loved one as they are, there is more space for them to be ready to change.
4. Establish and enforce boundaries
Learning about addiction and accepting it introduces the awareness of how important it is to establish and enforce boundaries. Also, how important it is that you don’t enable spending on substances.
The nature of addiction means that people, in the drive to get their next fix, will “push and push”. This is often linked to money. When living with the person, it might be linked to using the substance in the house.
It’s essential you decide what healthy rules you want to establish, to vocalise these (when the person is sober and in a rational frame of mind), and to enforce these. This often includes not lending money or paying off debt, and not allowing substances in the house, or inebriated behaviour around children.
5. Speak with openness and compassion at a helpful time
Depending on where your loved one is in their addiction journey, their reaction to your raising addiction in conversation can vary greatly. The majority of people outright deny addiction at the start of the journey. After a while, they become increasingly accepting of it.
No matter where they’re at, you can raise the subject, but how you do so is important. There’s a chance your loved one might deny, become defensive, or angry. This is quite normal. Whether this is the situation, or whether your loved one is more receptive, you must remain open (non-judgemental), be reassuring, ask compassionate questions, and listen to them without having “big” reactions.
It’s important your loved one feels safe and you open and maintain lines of communication.
Make sure you talk to your family member when they’re level-headed, when they’re sober, and when they aren’t likely to react due to cravings or being under the influence.
6. Draw attention to your loved one’s “other parts”
Yes, your loved one has an addiction, but it’s absolutely essential that you remember they have other parts, too, and other qualities. Shine a light on these parts to your loved one in a genuine way at appropriate times.
Yes, they have an addiction, but perhaps they’re also funny, kind, generous, creative, and have knowledge or interests that you can talk to them about and participate in with them.
7. Develop and maintain healthy activities with your loved one
One of the most useful things you can do to support your loved one’s recovery is to start doing healthy activities with them. It’s important to maintain boundaries when doing this. For instance, you might suggest a day out, exercise/sport, an arty activity etc., but also ask them to stay sober during this time.
As well as reminding your family member that there’s a life outside of substance use, it maintains your connection (critical during addiction), and offers the opportunity for a sober moment.
8. Encourage and support your loved one to access professional help
Research shows that medication (i.e. a clinically overseen detox) as well as therapeutic input is essential in addiction treatment.
When problematic and addictive use has developed, it’s important that your family member accesses professional help. This offers the most effective route of healing the addiction. There are both nationally-funded local drug and alcohol services as well as private rehab clinics.
Local services offer some one-to-one support and peer group support. The keyworkers offer a holistic approach, though, of course, resources are limited.
As well as detox programmes, rehab clinics offer a holistic approach with a team of medical staff, psychotherapeutic counsellors, and alternative practitioners. A stay at rehab offers the most efficient approach to addiction treatment and limited funded placements are available.
9. Consider an intervention
There comes a time, for some families, that an intervention is the only option. There are pros and cons to this but either way, it needs to be a planned process alongside professionals and your loved one must have a say in their recovery. Ultimately, they must also consent to going to a rehab clinic, or participating in whatever recovery programme that you’re suggesting.
Take a Moment to Outline your Goals
There are many ideas to ponder and it might feel overwhelming trying to approach your family member’s addiction and recovery. To begin with, keep in mind how important it is to take one step at a time. You might have lots of goals, but narrow them down to the three most important, and from here, the one goal you can focus on, on a given day.
Recovery is better facilitated with human connection. Reach out to compassionate peers, professionals, and make the time to look after yourself while supporting your loved one to heal.